you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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