Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
