Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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