Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
