The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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