I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
