She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
