Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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