remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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