you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
