Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
