I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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