I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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