I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
