Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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