Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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