I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
