if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
