I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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