Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
