haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
