Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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