Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
