I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
