i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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