Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
