Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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