I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
