walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
