So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
