he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize