I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize