I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
