Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
