Having a random hookup so left but love u
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Ketchup is God's man juice
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It's shark week go big or go home
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
