My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It's no shave November. This is our time.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
