I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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