alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
