it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
