The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
