Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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