They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
