I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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