Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
