I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
