New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
