does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
