Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
