i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
