I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
