I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
