Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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