You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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