I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
