even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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