Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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