if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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