i just wanna soil my oats bro
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
