Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
