I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
