break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the day after is always just damage control
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
