your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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