he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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