He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
