Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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