I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
