Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
3 2 1 whiskey
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
